why does nothing always trump insecurity?

I consider myself to be a fairly confident person; though I, like the average person I’m assuming, am not immune to a little bit of insecurity at times.  It’s odd things mostly: the size of my hands(I wish for petite little hands, instead I was blessed with, what most people say “You have piano hands, Darling”…and I don’t even play piano..maybe I should have) along with other petty physical things (that I am sure, once fixed, I would resemble Melissa George, my favorite), the terrible thing that is my memory(I am most certain that is it rapidly decreasing at frightening speeds every second, and I’m still young yet!!) and my lack of focus(I swear I have ADD or some such dysfunction of the mind).

Aside from those things I am pretty confident all around; confident in my ability to capture and hold the attention of someone I have just met, confident that I can work hard and get things done, confident that I am beautiful in spite of my imperfections, confident that I am fun to be around, confident that I am trustworthy and can help people just by talking to them(people usually just need someone to listen). All that being said, I never wanted to come across as snobbish in my good amount of self esteem so think about this: one of my old manager’s once stated “There’s a difference between confidence and arrogance”. I whole-heartedly believe that. I am not arrogant in my confidence; I am simply sure of myself. I do not consider myself to be above anyone else.

Someone recently asked me where I got my confidence from… I didn’t really know how to answer other than to say “Love people and they will love you back. When you know you are loved; it helps.”

You can’t just take what I said and buy gifts for people to “buy their affection” or manipulate. People can tell when you’re being fake and when you’re being genuine. So I mean really love people; like Christ did. I know there will be days when it seems like love is not the first thought in your head (i.e. so stressed you blow steam and by steam I mean fire at anyone who comes across your path) but if you’ll get this down and put love into practice, you might just find yourself developing more confidence..and UN-developing that insecurity that seemed to be your master. Just a thought.

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“Bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils”

The beginning of the school year is like a breath of academically fresh air. I never was very scholastic in nature but that time of year when you got to buy new backpacks and school uniforms was something I always looked forward to.  I loved everything about it; the bustling aisles with kids either hauling their mothers around, hastily piling supplies into baskets or the pouting children that knew just what they were in for sitting sulkily in the cart. I loved the getting up early(don’t knock it-I really did) and the fact that you had something you absolutely had to do that day; no excuses. I’m not sure what exactly it was that enraptured me so much about the whole thing; maybe it was simply the obtaining of new possessions or the addition of a routine to my life in comparison to summer. Or perhaps, perhaps it was the fall season.

Fall has always been a favorite of mine and just maybe the bustling of school children makes me realize we are that much closer to this magical season. Pumpkins, bonfires, decorations, crunchy leaves, apple cider, hayrides and festivals!!! I love it all. SoI guess I have settled it then; the idea of a freshly sharpened bouquet of pencils gets me all warm and fuzzy inside because I start to think about Autumn and its glory. 🙂 Fall here we come!!!!

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Someone stumbled across my fo…I mean blog…

People have the ability to use search engines to look for anything they wish with the intent of finding some obscurity(i.e the measurements of the bathrooms in toledo vs. the measurements in montreal) or something commonplace such as a picture of a balloon.

Someone the other day used such a tool and typed in these words “I forgot how to feel” and this person was somehow directed to my blog. I can’t necessarily say that my blog is either unfeeling or worthy to be called a go-to for such a problem. However, I can say I have been there; I know what its like to not feel anything. Its one of the most odd, insane, terrible, and nauseating states to be in. In my experience its a state that can last consistently for a good long time, or you can go in and out of it for days, weeks, even months. I am no doctor and I’ve never wrote a book on the subject but I can tell you its curable.

I am, aside from the occasional bad day, one of the most positive, feeling people I know. I can get quite sappy too. I cried watching 300 yesterday. That movie is nothing more than a bunch of ripped guys running around in loin cloths with capes killing people. But it was heroic-the emotion that flooded out of the tv was moving. I used to never cry in movies. Ever. But then I realized a few things….

Feeling is not necessarily something that happens to you-its something you allow to affect you. I would venture to say its you opening up that feeling center of the brain and allowing actions, words, thoughts, memories, deeds, people, scenes etc. to impact you. Its like you actually reaching into your heart and allowing yourself to feel empathy for little Bambi. Start out small. Show compassion for someone hurting.

And I used to have walls, but I realized vulnerability is a part of feeling. You have to get vulnerable in order to feel. Don’t be afraid to let people see your tears, hear your squeals of laughter, or feel your anguish. I’m no longer afraid to let people see me when I am weeping.

One last thing; prayer. If you have never prayed before, it might be something you will want to try.

Thanks for reading my random and uncollected thoughts 🙂

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I’d like your opinion…

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Ma, I wrote my first rap!

So let me explain before you dive in thinking “insanity is here”-I started writing casually, like I normally do but this time words seemed to flow in a pattern…I know it has no recognizable cadence but in my mind it does. And it works to me. Concentrate on the feeling when you read-not necessarily the beat.

We keep runnin’ runnin’ runnin’. Takin fluid ads like they are trippin for cash. I’ve never been alive before but now my eyes are wide. To see a town under seige by a dictator. It causes chaos. It causes fear. No one knows how to answer, no one even knows the score. I feel like I could write a novel on the mistakes we’ve made. But all we need is to get down and pray. Ask a God, plea for mercy-ask Him for assistance in this state. But what do we do…we run…keep running…it seems its what we were born to do…so we keep runnin’ and runnin’ but we don’t know whats coming…one day our legs will give out. Our legs aren’t eternal. From dust they were made, to dust they’ll return. Stop running, take a breath. Your mess can be cleaned. Held back from being swept, give it a rest. I can’t keep moving this fast.

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Chocolate fantasies dance around in my head like sugarplums

Is anyone willing to donate to the cause of getting me to Seattle?? If so just comment and i’ll email you my paypal account 😀 aaah but all jokes aside: I want to go to the flagship store of my favorite chocolate makers sometime this Autumn.

Here’s the back story: Claudio Corallo has a chocolate factory/plantation(which was previously world-renowned then abandoned) on the islands of Sao Tome and Principe, order it here, where he cranks out the most delicious and quality chocolate that has ever melted in your mouth. A retail store was just recently opened in the states, by him, not too long ago. (You see, ordering chocolate from Africa can get expensive) So, I’d like to visit this store and try one of their fresh macaroons or truffles and probably buy half the store while i’m there. I’ve never been to Seattle and yes, I do LOVE rain! (Ahh I may post about just how happy rain makes me soon) To give you a little glimpse of my chocolate-loving tensions: I have a jar on my nightstand(with a freshness seal of course) where I keep a mini collection, I have a stash at my work and everyone of my handbags has chocolate melted to the bottom of the inside-I even have a stash in my car during cooler months. I have probably tried every kind of chocolate that is made in the states-I’m more partial to the ones I’ve tried abroad but I will keep tasting. Godiva truffles are my favorite truffle in the states-besides a locally known shop; I once had amassed over 50 boxes(empty of course, why I kept them I don’t even know) I don’t think I’ve ever said no to quality chocolate in my life. I simply adore the stuff.

Anyhow, I will continue living…hopefully in the future I will plan my little trip…I’d probably go alone.. you see, I don’t know anyone on this planet, as of yet, that would fly across the country just to visit one store. But thats me. And I’ll make it happen. I promise you.

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I forgot all about Patrick Watson; I feel like Benedict Arnold!!

I am a lover of unique voices. Surreal, melodic sounds coming from a voice box will take me pretty much to daydreamland. My iTouch collection is in the process of being rebuilt because I just lost my whole music library *extremely sadface* So I am going about trying to re-find/buy all my previous music and more. On my journey I seem to have forgotten one of my most favorite voices! Patrick Watson. This guy is incredible. Don’t take me word for it. Go listen to some of his stuff and tell me what you think.

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Irony loves being ironic to me

I am going to complain about the complainees of the world. Which is in reality quite ironic because I HATE the very thing i’m doing. I do that which I hate and that which I love I do not. I am in many environments in an average week of my life and as such, I interact with many people of varying emotions. This being said, it would seem that no matter how emotionless or emotion-ful they are: THEY ALL COMPLAIN. I would like to do a study on complaining-does it really help? Who does it benefit? I’m pretty certain there are negative connotations to complaining so why do it?? It spreads a bad aura, a distressed feeling, its negative emotion. I can only think of one instance where anyone benefits from negative emotion.
So here I am, doing that very thing I hate: complaining. It’s ironic that I hate it so much but yet revel in downing the downers. I will try and keep my complaints to myself from here on out and just be a positive witness and example of a good attitude as much as my abilities will allow.
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changing times

Time. It never stays the same. Or it wouldn’t be time. It changes. It progresses. Things happen. They evolve. Things change. Time can’t be stopped. Only in your mind. Time can’t be controlled. Only in your dreams. You can’t change the things that happen in time. You can’t roll back the clock. All in all time is a Master. You can’t fight it. There are many days when I wish I could switch to previous ones; previous times but I can’t. Sometimes I want to fly ahead; into the future. Sometimes I want things to be different. I want to make them different. But I can’t. I have to wait. I have to wait until time decides to change again. I can’t see into the future so I don’t know times path so waiting is the only option. Waiting for time to change.
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co-workers. a phenomenon. from a purely unbiased standpoint.

How we interact with our co-workers on a day to day basis varies GREATLY over the range of cultures, age, and of course personality types. But one factor that is purely unrelated to any of these is experience. Its a well known fact that when you “go through” something with another human being, you become “closer” or you “bond” when the trauma or situation is over(or maybe its just well known to me because I’m currently pursuing my degree in Psychology). So if you work in a high-stress environment and you and your co-workers are constantly being pressed to get good numbers or crank out business then depending on attitude all  parties involved can become inevitably more close-knit.

This such instance is a residing factor in my workplace. All individuals are hounded to produce. However, to produce, we all must work together. This brings all of us closer together and we are able to communicate in ways that are odd but understood. Things like this picture: Look-a-like. Apparently. can be sent(like is was, to myself), to others, and them not get offended.

I just want to disclaim: this rather pleasant discourse among certain co-workers only happens when they are capable of being amiable. Some, as everybody knows, are completely incapable. So in conclusion, I want to encourage: BE COOL with your people(co-workers). They aren’t all out to get you. Be kind and they just might return the favor. And if you go through something together you’ll figure out just what each of you is made of. Hopefully its something good.

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